Q: I suspect my boyfriend is immortal. How can I tell?

A: Well, first, let me assure you that you’re not alone in your suspicions. One need only conduct a simple Google search to see that this question is shared by several women with internet access and far too much free time on their hands.

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks…or, silver bullets. Since you have not defined what makes you suspicious, allow me to provide you with some examples of behavior that definitely point to immortality:

1. Does your boyfriend go on moonlit hunting trips with his rather hairy friends once each month? If so, you’re dating a werewolf.

2. Does your boyfriend stare longingly at your jugular (I mean, hello, our eyes are “up here,” am I right, ladies?)? Congrats, you may be dating a vampire.

3. Does your boyfriend wear bulky shirts and not allow you to see his naked back? You might be dating an angel.

There are several other types of immortals; the above are just the most prevalent in today’s society. Just one final piece of advice. If your boyfriend is cruel, a free-loader, lazy, or even worse, you are dating a tool, not an immortal. I suggest you dump him immediately and seek out one of the better options described above. Best of luck to you!

— Micah Persell, author of Of Eternal Life (Crimson, June 2012)

13 thoughts on “Q: I suspect my boyfriend is immortal. How can I tell?

  1. jw ashley

    I LOVE when you give a warning about freeloaders and other “bad” boyfriends. I am always arguing with folks who think that romance fiction educates women to like domineering, aggressive, or impossible types. Perhaps next time I’ll send them a link to your answer as a humorous rebuttal!